Category Archives: Thoughts

Passive Agressivist

Dear Service Person / Store Clerk / Inconsiderate Person on the Subway / Anonymous Car Driver Who Pissed Me Off Today / “Friend” on Facebook,

For whatever reason (fear / politeness / respect for social norms / conformist tendencies) I was unable or unwilling to confront you directly about my feelings of victimhood thanks to your insensitive ignorant / appalling / boring behavior.

Simply put, you shocked me / hurt my feelings / mildly annoyed me, and then our encounter ended, and I did nothing in response, or what I did do was ineffective at resolving my feelings, and now I am left dealing with these profound psychic wounds on my own.

Because I have no pillow to beat mercilessly as a means of releasing some of the rage and anger this incident has triggered in the deepest parts of my soul, I have decided to share your ungracious and tactless behavior with ALL my Facebook friends. Maybe some of them know you, or frequent your eating establishment / place of business / car wash / fb timeline.

Well, now they will all know what a gigantic prick / bitch you are.

I hope you are sorry now.

If you are my true and sincere IRL friends, I hope you will ‘like’ this status because that will make me feel much better.

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Baggage

photo via: Richard Carter

Sometimes I find it comforting to know
My problems will follow me wherever I go.

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Thinking about the beauty of old faded VHS tapes

noise video by anil bawa-cavia

photo via: Anil Bawa-Cavia

Bad information is sometimes good information….i.e. there is an aesthetic value to bad information that can exceed the practical value of good information.

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Holiday Haikus

So far I’ve written two:

I just found out that
I have to waste Friday night
at a dumb party

No one told me that
I’d have to be a part of
this stupid event

 

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The Sound of Foreign Films

film still from: Let The Right One In

Are you familiar with the trope of the “Ugly American” speaking to a foreigner who can’t understand a word they are saying – so the American begins to shout to make their point more comprehensible?

The thing is, watching foreign films I find myself as the foreigner wanting to understand, wanting to just follow the plot better, but instead of paying closer attention to the subtitles, what do I do? Of course – I turn up the volume on my television set. Because if I can hear the Swedish louder, maybe I’ll finally start to understand it better.

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Dear _ _ _ _ _,

I’m writing to apologize for inadvertently emailing you the .jpg of the morbidly obese middle-aged woman pressing her ample and unclothed bosom into the mesh of a screen door. I understand that you found little amusing in the display, and can only restate what I tried to tell you several times on the phone – that you were not the intended recipient. I realize that this is not the first time, and I also apologize for the earlier incident involving the image of a astonishingly hirsute nude senior citizen.

In both cases, I, like you, was a victim – in my case, a victim of the over eager auto-fill feature of my email program.

I hope I might count on your understanding and forbearance for these lapses in good taste. I can assure you that I will pay particular attention to the address field in all future email correspondences.

With Warm Regards,

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

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Now, but not here. Here, but not now.

An effort, an effort to change the rules. To live without breathing and breath without living.

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I’m thinking a neologism is in order.

Something between interesting and cool. Only I can’t decide between intercool and cooleresting.

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License to ill

maryland license plate omigod

Prior to twitter, prior to even the internet, there was the personalized license plate. 140 characters?? What a luxury. license plates typically maxed out at 7 characters, sometimes only six.

Despite the incredible economy and brevity demanded by the form, it is interesting that OMG was still a long way off. We were moving towards it, but only in fits and starts. ‘O’ for Oh…’I’ for ‘Y’ (because it is skinnier?). These were bold steps towards the decimation of the English language we all enjoy today.

We can laugh now the battles have been won, but could OMG ever have achieved such immediate success and notoriety if OMIGOD hadn’t spent years laying the groundwork?

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The Doctor Will See You Now

scary teeth sculpture

my teeth according to my dentist (click pic for source)

I’ve had to go to the dentist far too often lately, and I’ve been thinking about the ritual before I go – how I always make a point to do a super duper intensive flossing / rinsing / brushing ritual that probably takes off a few millimeters of gum all in some odd effort to make my teeth look so much better than they are.  As if there were some point to that.

And then I started thinking about whether or not people prep this way for other doctors.  Like psychotherapists for example.  Not bragging about my sanity, which is self-evidentally questionable to non-existent, but the fact is I haven’t spent too much time in psychotherapy.  If you have, is it like going to the dentist in the way I described above?  Do you try to spruce up your mind, dial back the neurosis for the visit?  Or is it more often the opposite – you amp them up a notch so you can be sure the doctor appreciates the full range of your issues?

If it is the latter case, as I imagine it is for some, can you imagine doing that for the dentist?  Purposely eating spinach and all other kinds of nasty crap so your dentist can see the kind of dental patient you really are? But you would never do that, because who wants a dentist to care about them? And besides, unlike psychotherapists, dentists have x-rays.

I think my extra teeth cleaning is just a way of magically hoping the dentist won’t catch any of my problems, and I won’t have to get that root canal / crown/ gum surgery, etc.  Maybe I oughta just ease up on my pre-dentist brushing a little.  It’s pretty neurotic to be honest.  I could probably use a shrink.

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